Jill of All Trades

   Master of Some Stuff, Maybe


         A blook written on an iPhone.


1. Introdumption

Dear Master Readers,




My inspiration to write this blook was two-fold: First, I want to give back to the people. Einstein once said only idiots learn from their own mistakes and I think that Master Readers can learn from my 25+ years of life mastering, trials and tribulations, unless they feel like being idiots. Second, I'm bored and I need something to do on my iPhone as I sit in this low budget walk-in clinic. 


You see, I have an ear infection. The Google diagnosis I've resorted to believes it's Acute Otitis Externa. I love Google because it's a hypochondriac's dream. This one's almost as bad as the one I had in Richmond, VA thanks to the Mono I contracted from a damn Bolivian boy. Anyway, my ear is swollen to the size of an elephant's and I can barely hear a thing.


In reality, the only reason I'm writing this is because I have no service on my phone. I'd likely be texting right now. Sprint told me they'd be able to unlock my phone so I could use it in Canada when I came home for Christmas, but alas, they lied. Or maybe I just didn't listen properly. When I told my mother about my Sprint dilemma, she said--


"Jill you not listen! Why you have no time to read proper?" 


In case you missed that, she is suggesting I didn't read the fine print to my Sprint contract.


"You must to read everytheeng from introdumption to the ending before you can sign."


My mother was right. I probably didn't read the fine print. Then again who does? A lawyer, probably. That doesn't bode well for me, seeing as I currently await the results of my California Bar exam. 




The nurse just called my name. Albeit, incorrectly. I'll be right back.




It was just a urine sample..


I sit back in this pleather seat now, and the kid next to me is harboring some sort of vile disease. [Side bar: ever wonder how kids can look so unbelievably cute one minute, and the next they're the most terrifying thing you've ever seen? I can watch horror movies with adult actors all day but put a demon child in there and I'd rather be having dinner with Hannibal Lecter.]


"Janet?"  The doctor called again. 


I really should tell the doctor that's not my name, you know, for prescription reasons. Then again, I've been sitting here for an hour so I'll be fu#*ing Fabio if the he wants me to. I'll be right back.




I'm back again and it's just as I suspected. It's called Swimmer's Ear. I call it don't be an idiot and wait two weeks to see a doctor. As I get up, the kid next to me has now literally puked on his mother. God knows what I've contracted from this Bacteriological incubator of a waiting room.


One upside to this whole thing is that I'm bed ridden, which means I can write all day. Another upside to this is, once these antibiotics kick in I can finally wash my hair again.


Until next time. 











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