In Case You're Hiring.
Jill of All Trades
Master of Some Stuff, Maybe
A blook written on an iPhone.
Typically I would present my "Experience" Roladex and rotate you into the depths of my past, but since I've been getting all digital here, I'll just list some of them below. You will notice that I have an array of experiences covering a broad spectrum of industries, so it is very likely that I may be suitable for your job position.
A Law Office.
circa when Nemo found Dory
I worked in various fields of civil litigation as a student-at-law. For the most part I spent my time in the office (which means I didn't have to wear nice shoes). I drafted many claims, defenses, and other documents. I also spent my time giving hugs to sad clients.
1990 - always
I act sometimes. I act always. All the world's a stage (Shakespeare). Did anyone watch Friends? Joey's fart-acting tip? If you want to catch my genius rendition of the craft, please refer to a Keg commercial I did. All smiles. Good times. And just when you think it's over, watch me mouth the words: Fart Licker. In all honesty I owe it to our 2AM call-time and a girl who I lost an Advil commercial to.
Night Club. Bottle Service Girl.
I am not the type to wear makeup, because when I do, I have a selection of much older, much larger men slipping hundreds in my register. A register (like a cash register). I made good money. But if there ever was a time I felt like a call girl, this was it. I lasted all of one month-- no-- 2.5 weeks.
Warner Bros. Intern.
I loved assisting the lawyers at Warner. But how I loved working next Bugs Bunny's water tower even more. Besides being envious of all the people who got to use golf carts while I had to walk to everywhere, I loved the close proximity of my building to the food truck. I still have dreams of that Jalapeno sushi.
French 101 Drill Instructor.
I don't know how long (it was Freshman year. Come on, who remembers anything in that hot mess).
It's not as awesome as it sounds. I spent most of my time keeping college kids quiet and persuading them to believe my authority (we were all the same age). I may have favorited the students in the front row, but only because they weren't making out with eachother when my back was turned to write on the chalkboard.
Production Ass for Live News.
I was a production assistant. It was a live news show. It was really fun. I grabbed a lot of coffees, learned about Reuters and put on a lot of makeup for our guests. I learned how to hold my breath for very long periods of time, because many of our guests had halitosis.
Tennis Racquet Stringer.
I worked a Pro Shop at an upscale tennis club. I once warded off a creepy Club member with a reel of string because he was hitting on me. My fastest stringing time record remains to be shattered (by yours truly). It currently stands at approximately 37:36 minutes. I find Wilson raquets the easiest to string. I find the word RACQUET difficult to spell.
I own some property. When Janitors call in sick and a toilet won't flush, I know my way around a an electronic flush system.
What feels like an eternity
Do I wish I was Blake Lively? Maybe. Do I think she's a trophy wife? Absolutely not. But man, all trophy wives should aspire to be as classy. Sadly, I often forget deodorant and I wait too long between upper-lip waxes, so I guess that makes me more of a Trophy Wife in the vein of those "last place" trophies you get as a kid because everyone feels bad for you. Oh and I lived with my parents for one whole year before I told them I eloped in Vegas. That was one well-kept secret. Oh, I guess secret-keeper is a good quality. I'll put that up in the special skills section.
Writing, Acting, Tennis Playing, TV watching, Juggling, Clown, Perpetual Law Studying, Fixing Cars, Television and Video Game Repairs, Video Game Playing, Piano Competing, Folk Dancing, Swimming and Drowning. Secret Keeping.
English (Game of Thrones dialect)
All Balkan tongues
Spanish (when drunk)
UCL-Hey Eyes Up Here!? circa "As If"
Entertainment Law, LL.M
It was between this and USC. But since USC's football team was on probation, I went for here. While the curriculum was challenging, the hardest thing was having to walk past those dancing ballerinas at the film school that made me want to skip all my classes and put on a scrunchie.
Writer's program. Major in Sit-Coms.
This was unreasonably expensive. I learned how to write for TV, which is of course one of the many dream jobs I contemplate on the daily. Aside from learning how to format scripts the only other highlight was meeting Dan O'Shannon and seeing my hunky teacher every week. He was kind of like a cross between Daniel Day and Vin Diesel. This surprises me still, because dark-eyed men were never my type.
University of QUEEN. circa "Madonna"
I often forget I have one of these. Nearly licensed and all. I mean, theoretically I could wear a white wig and prance around a British court room telling people I have an objection. I still prance around, but mostly in my underwear when I'm home alone.
Liquor License "Smart Serve" Certificate.
I actually think I lost this certificate. I just checked all my emails, and I can't seem to find the actual certificate anywhere... but I assure this certificate qualifies me to serve alcohol in the Province of Ontario (and the city of LA if we're talking about under the table work). So have no fear, this certificate says that I know how to carefully measure your alcohol consumption limit based on your height/weight ratio. And if I think that moustache is fake (for all you under-agers), this certificate empowers me to rip it right off.
University of Am-Ur-Ih-ka. circa Middle Ages
Major/Minors: Rhetoric and Communications, Music, Philosophy, French, Psychology, Arts Management and potentially Biology